I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
That accounts for only three of the penises
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
