How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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