i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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