there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
