i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
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