im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
