that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
