I just threw up on my dentist
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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