i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
