Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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