yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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