no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Randomize
