He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
