I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
