The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
