so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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