Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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