my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
