it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
