I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
