nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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