my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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