i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
