she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
