at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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