I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
