this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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