theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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