and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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