You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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