I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize