I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
