Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
