I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
