so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
