this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Randomize
