I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
