As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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