now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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