So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
