A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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