u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
