I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
