mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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