I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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