The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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