I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
