apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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