I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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