Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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