I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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