i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Randomize
