I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
