i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
