im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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