Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
