By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
