Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize