I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
