I got chris browned last night
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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