Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize