I wish they made helmets for livers.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
