I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
