The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
