Please, let me fuck your mom
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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