RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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