Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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