Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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