I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
